hefellfordean:

To the rest of the world, Dean has always been two things: strong and sure. He carries strength in his shoulders and arms. He can muscle his way through doors, take out the monsters with his bare hands if needed. He’s emotionally strong too, no one sees the great Dean Winchester break. He’s sure, always knows exactly what to do, never willing to give up. He moves with the greatest certainty towards his goals. It’s the same when Michael takes over, Dean remains strong – he doesn’t cry – because he’s certain that this is what’s right.

When they get Dean back, when Michael is finally banished, Sam and Cas see something else. A Dean who pretends to be strong and certain, even as it becomes clearer and clearer that he doesn’t know what to trust. He recognises Sam – barely. Something about Cas however, puts him at ease, even though he isn’t really sure who the man in the trenchcoat is – and he sticks to him like a limpet. Although he tries to hide it, his hands shake while he drinks coffee, while he showers, the few times he speaks. A desperate kind of shaking that comes from the inside where his mind won’t let him rest.

Sam and Cas explain to Jack in hushed tones that when your very essence has been put in a blender by an archangel, it might take some time to recover.

Dean refuses to stay still, refuses to go on hunts, refuses to sleep so that he can’t be tormented by nightmares – refuses to listen Sam at all. It’s only when Cas takes one of his shaking hands in his, that he’ll ever stop pacing. Only Cas can convince him to try and sleep, because he knew Michael too and knows what Dean is afraid of. Only with Cas can Dean let himself relax because the whole time Michaels grace was invading every crevice of his soul, there was this tiny part of him that already belonged to a different grace and resisted, it’s what kept him sane. Dean recognises it in Cas and it makes him feel safe.

So when the hunter clings to him at night, Cas just holds him and whispers to him how strong he’s been and that if he wants to, he doesn’t have to be certain anymore, that he can let himself be vulnerable – and that doesn’t make him any less brave. In the dark, in the middle of the night, Dean believes him. He lets himself cry and shake and fall apart and Cas keeps an unbreakable grip on him and refuses to let Dean give up on himself.

It takes a long time for him to recover. The first salt and burn he goes on since he’s back, he freezes up in fear and Jack has to push him out of the ghost’s line of fire. Sam has to drive them home in the impala because Dean can’t get his fists to unclench – not until Cas forces him into the shower at the bunker and plants kisses up and down his neck under the hot spray. It takes a while but eventually Dean lifts his arms up to return the embrace.

Eventually it gets better. Dean’s hands stop shaking when he holds a gun, he learns how to laugh at Sam’s bitchfaces again, and hums while he shows Jack how to cook. He looks strong again, his face is no longer pinched and drawn. The one thing that doesn’t change is how he acts around Cas. He still clings to him, but no longer out of fear – it’s more that they just don’t want to be apart. It’s just soft touches – a hand on the small of Dean’s back as they walk, a brush of fingers on Cask cheek in passing – but they mean a lot. Because Dean draws his strength from their relationship, and everyone can see the certainty in his eyes when he looks at Cas.