Ok. So, we all know it’s hard enough admitting to yourself and to others that you’re not straight. But when you’re in love with your best friend, moreover a supernatural being, moreover someone who can be so very clueless about the subtleties of expressed (human) love, it makes the struggle of self-acceptance that much harder, and the journey towards a certain and open relationship with that person that much longer.
With Cas returning (and the upcoming Cowboy ep sending Destiel shippers into a frenzy of feels and anticipation), I’ve been seeing a lot of *Dean is Bi* posts, pointing out all the evidence of his Bi-status over the years. And I’m reminded of the mixtape scene, and how later seasons have seen Dean emotionally mature, and how his relationship with Cas has veered away from ambiguity and become clear: It’s strong, it’s vital, it’s worthwhile, it’s real.
In 12.19 The Future, Dean was mad at Cas for ignoring him and Sam. But he pushed through it, because Cas was back – and that’s ultimately what he wanted. He wanted them to be together, for Cas to be safe and home, and for them to be fighting on the same side. So Dean forgave as best he could.
But when he realised Cas had used him, the pain of that betrayal intensified because of how he did it (which Dean sort of refers to with Sam, saying, “He came into my room and he played me.”): Cas came into his room, Dean thought, to make ammends. But it turned out he was just scouting for the colt, so everything that went down – the mixtape handback, their conversation – Dean suddenly drums up to a ruse.
Now, normally someone using him like that would rightly piss Dean off. And when it’s someone he cares about (like Sam) there’s hurt mixed with anger. But this time he was betrayed not only by someone he cares about (and who supposedly possibly maybe hopefully obviously cares for him too) but someone with whom Dean shares a profound bond, someone who represents how much he’s grown emotionally speaking, how he’s begun to open his friggin’ heart and allow himself to accept (true) love. His relationship with Cas represents positive change in Dean.
What Cas did basically perverted those feelings. He made Dean think their love wasn’t real, or that Cas didn’t respect it, or at the very least that Cas was blind to how deeply his actions would affect Dean – make him question his self worth once again, that maybe he was a fool in allowing himself to truly love someone, moreover in thinking someone could love him in return. Did Cas even care, or did he just not see it? And which is worse?..
Just when it seems like our boys are taking a step forward together, shit happens or one of them fucks up and suddenly Dean staggers – or is pushed – back several steps on his road to self-acceptance and welcoming love into his life.
The further down that road Dean gets, the more likely he is to admit his feelings – not just significant because they’re for a ’man’, but because of what those feelings actually are: truly deep fucking love. That’s big for anyone. And for him it’s brand fucking new. He’s never had that before – not with Cassie, or Jo, or Amara, or even Lisa.
The Mixtape = I Love You (too).
Cas has been wingless and driving around since season 9, his car being the place he would likely listen to Dean’s mixtape. But keeping in mind that he’s returning it, I figure that means it was a recent thing, because why suddenly return something from so long ago – which, btw, would have raised a red flag in Dean.
I like to think Dean made the tape for Cas after 12.12, wherein Cas told him/them in no uncertain terms that he loved him/them – he said the actual fucking words – and that’s big – first time BIG. But also because their relationship seems always to skirt that profound and obvious truth, all the while still conveying how much they mean to each other in a thousand acts of care and selflessness and sacrifice, and in words of fondness and forgiveness and need.
So.. Dean hears the big confession and feels the urge to reciprocate, to let Cas know he feels the same, that those feelings are not one-sided. Because to do nothing after such a brave and meaningful act would be bad, to put it plain. It may translate as Dean ignoring Cas’ feelings, or him not caring. It would risk Dean losing Cas, him thinking Dean didn’t feel the same, so he would take a step back, distancing himself from Dean both physically and emotionally – and Dean didn’t want that, not again. No friggin’ way.
But.. Dean is Dean. And he’s not ready to say those BIG three little words just yet – and truthfully, maybe he never will be. So, if he can’t muster the words he’ll let his actions speak for him, and let music say what he can’t.
[ cue a lovely parallel to the tale of how Dean’s parents got together from 12.01 ]
When Cas played him, it happened in a moment that featured Dean’s mixtape-love-confession, so that deepened the hurt something awful. Damn right he’s gonna shove Cas up against a wall – and were it anyone else who betrayed him he might’ve hit them. (And that wall-shove parallels 5.18, when Cas shoved Dean against a wall to express his anger and disappointment over Dean’s betrayal.)
But even if he wanted to, Dean couldn’t hit Cas, because his love persisted – despite the hurt – and stopped him from harming his angel. His heart stopped him, and beneath all the pain there was relief in that moment, because he was reminded how much he’s overcome – his darker self, his darker times (The Mark of Cain, being a Demon, and all the way back to torturing souls in Hell). He didn’t let his anger win. Instead, he let reality sink in and part the way for a little bit of comfort: because even though Cas was reckless and inconsiderate, there was consolation that at least he was safe.
Whatever doubts had been triggered about Cas’ feelings for Dean in this whole mess, at least Dean now had the chance to get to the truth. And if it turned out to be yet another misguided attempt by Cas to “help” or “save” his friends, at least they had the chance to work through it, to get past it, because at least Cas was still alive.
There remained a little spark of hope in Dean that refused to die, refused to give up on them, refused to believe that Cas didn’t care, because as long as Cas was alive, there was hope.
* This has been a Destiel/Dean appreciation post
Dean is in love with Cas, didn’t you know?..
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